I pooped during child birth.

Yes, I did. It happens a lot apparently and the only person who knows about this is my husband (I’m mortified at the thought of this), and the midwives who attended my birth. During my pregnancy, pooing during the birth was one of my worst nightmares and I searched high and low on the net for other women’s stories and couldn’t find any. So… I’m taking upon myself to share my experience of pooing during labour.

WARNING: This may get graphic and it may not be a good idea if you’re feeling queasy or eating. Hey, this blog is anonymous and I don’t mind a bit of overshare.

First of all, I didn’t poo during my first birth. I was induced and as I hadn’t been to the loo for a few days and was feeling a bit backed up, the midwives gave me a tube of stuff to squirt up my ass to clear me out.

Second time around, I went into labour naturally and I had been pooping regularly so there was no need for it. Cutting to the chase… I spent most of my labour upright, walking around where I could etc – they say that can help speed things up and it’s what I felt like doing at the time. When it was finally time to start pushing my spawn out, I climbed up onto the bed and assumed the doggy position – great birthing position in my opinion and it’s what I felt like I needed to do.

As I began pushing, I could feel both my daughter moving down my birth canal and poop oozing out of my ass. Yes, ooze, that’s the best way I can describe it. I wasn’t intentionally trying to poo, so it was more pressure from the baby pushing it out. As soon as I felt myself pooing, with my ass in the air and a midwife with her eyes fixed on my vag waiting for baby, I stopped pushing. Cue coaching by the midwife to keep on pushing… I’m doing great… It happens all the time… It’s ok… blah blah. So I started pushing again and again I could feel poo and I yelled out, “No, I’m pooing!” As if that wasn’t bad enough, the midwife wiped my ass for me. Mortified!!! More pushing, more pooing, so again I yelled out, “No, I’m pooing!”. So the midwife essentially put her finger on my asshole and applied a bit of pressure to stop the poo from coming out. After that I was fine. The hole was plugged. No more poo. Bit awkward, but I felt so much more comfortable and was able to push properly once I knew I wasn’t squirting poo everywhere and I really didn’t want to poo on my baby.

Fortunately, being my second birth, my birth canal had been pre-stretched and bubs came out after 10 pushes, so I didn’t have someone’s finger on my ass for very long. If I had have been lying on my back, I’m not sure how it would’ve worked out. My ass wouldn’t really have been in a great spot to be easily plugged. Would I have just been left to poo everywhere?

At one of my ante-natal appointments whilst pregnant, I mentioned my fear of pooping during labour to the midwife. She told me not to worry about it and that if I do poo then it’s a good sign the midwife that I am pushing properly. I call bullshit! I reckon that’s crap. I reckon that’s just what midwives tell pregnant women to make them not feel bad or embarrassed if/when it does happen. Ever the pessimist!

I’m the Grinch of Easter!

 

This is me.  I hate Easter.  I class it as a bullshit ‘holiday’ like Mothers Day or Valentines Day.  What Easter has become has no relevance on what it originally was, not that I really care was Easter was all about, historically speaking.  Sure, I love Easter eggs, I love chocolate – and I swear chocolate tastes better when it’s in the shape of an egg.

 

The dates of Easter change every year – I think it has something to do with the moon or the planets or something – not sure, don’t care.  But, did you know that the Easter Bunny and the giving of Easter Eggs originated hundreds of years ago?  Now you do.  

 

Once upon a time, people gave eggs at Easter to mark the beginning of spring – with spring brings life, flowers bloom, animals breed etc. And an egg is a symbol of life – life comes from eggs.  Gee our ancestors were genius!  Then, a fictitious rabbit started giving out eggs – rabbits are also a sign of life – you’ve all heard of the term, ‘breed like rabbits’, and some breeds/species of rabbits/hares can fall pregnant whilst still pregnant with their previous litter.  So, these two symbols of life were brought together to mark the beginning of Spring.  And yes, the Easter Bunny was used as a bribe to children in a similar way to Santa Claus.  I’m… in my 30’s, and only learnt this today, thanks to Wikipedia.  Before today I thought Easter was a religious thing, yes marked by the moon or whatever, but I thought it had something to do with Jesus coming back to life or something (forgive me if I offend, I’m not religious, not that I really care about the religious meaning behind Easter).  Anyhow, from what I learnt in my 5 minutes of reading is that somewhere along the line, the Christians cottoned onto this Easter idea and a new life and adapted it into a religious holiday.

 

Today, we just give out egg shaped chocolate and say “Happy Easter” not knowing really why.  Easter is such a commercialised holiday and it’s a crock and it truly pisses me off.  Even the original meaning of the beginning of Spring and bringing new life, etc is a crock when I come from.  I’m in the Southern Hemisphere.  Easter is just before Winter.  Spring doesn’t officially start until September. 

 

This morning when I woke up and checked my Facebook, I’d say about 80% of the posts were Easter related. 

• Wishing people a Happy Easter – when I’m pretty sure these people don’t know the true meaning behind Easter, nor are they religious, they just climb on the commercialised bandwagon. 
• Photos of the Easter Eggs that they bought for their kids.  One friend of mine is always complaining that she has no money and I’d say she spent about $50 of each of her two children for Easter.  I know Easter eggs are expensive,  but kids don’t need that much chocolate.  There were 5 bunnies each, and few small eggs scattered around the house for an egg hunt.  And they weren’t no name bunnies – I know my chocolate/Easter Egg wrappings and there was Cadbury, Red Tulip, Malteasers & Kinder chocolate.
• AND, some ‘friends’ from my Preggo group, with babies around 9 months old, posting photos of said 9 month old eating chocolate.  Why?  A 9 month old doesn’t get the hype of Easter, nor do they need chocolate – quite the opposite I’d think.  And the photo would be captioned with a comment like “Charlie loved her first taste of chocolate”.  Of course she fucking did!  And it wasn’t just one of them, there were several of them feeding their babies chocolate.

The “Easter Bunny” bought 1 egg for Miss4 – she doesn’t need anymore and she doesn’t get chocolate that often, so one egg is a real treat for her.  And my husband and I got one egg for each other.  Token really to keep the spirit of Easter alive for our daughter.  Other than getting a chocolate egg each, we had Hot Cross Buns for breakfast and that’s it.  I know Hot Cross Buns are a religious thing, but we like them and you can only buy them at a certain time each year, so they’re a treat.  And DH loves them!

 

Sure, I hope everyone had a great Easter, but no more than I hope everyone had a great day any other day.  Easter is lost on me.

 

 

 

And whilst I’m angry at the world…

One thing that pisses me off it tools liking one of my blog posts who ran some bullshit blog themselves. And by bullshit, I mean a complete and utter crock of shit that could not in the slightest be considered a blog.

You, trying to drum up business for your own investment scam, or your easy-peasy diet is BULLSHIT!

I’m not as fucking dense as you are!

It’s sunny out but stormy in

I’m in one of my ugly grooves.

The day was mostly ok, but all these negatives thoughts came into my head this evening and I can’t shake them. It’s 11pm and I only got 5 hours sleep last night and I need to repeat my
Mummy duties again tomorrow, so I’m hoping that bashing some words out might help clear my head.

A bit of background… A few weeks ago, I started running a small business selling women’s and kids clothing. I’m hoping to sell my wares on both Facebook and eBay. I created a Facebook page for business and put in a lot of time and effort into creating a rather snazzy looking logo – even DH was impressed with it. I shared my page and got a few likers. (I love how autocorrect wanted to change likers to pikers.) I was bit miffed that 2 of my closest friends and my 2 sister-in-laws didn’t like the page, but that ok – hopefully they will when I upload photos if my stock. I was however, totally chuffed that a gay male friend if mine who lives overseas, shared my page and wrote a lovely little blurb asking his friends to likes page – I got 4 likers from that! My husband shared my page, but didn’t write anything and didn’t even get one like!

Anyhow, stick arrived and I uploaded photos. A couple more likes and my mum picked out something she wanted to buy. She’s really happy with her purchase.

I asked her to share my album and maybe write something about it being her daughters business etc – she said she would. She hasn’t. I also asked my husband to do the same. He hasn’t.

Other than the one item my mum bought, I’ve sold nothing. I’ve invested time and money and lost sleep over this and to be brutally honest, I feel as though I’m getting fuck-all support from the people I truly expected it from. It stings. It really does. Don’t they take it seriously? Don’t they take me seriously?

I’ve often called myself the black sheep of the family and now I feel as though they really think that. That stings!

So these negative thoughts, and the general lack of support have bought up other negativity that lurks in the depths of my brain.

I’m trapped here, in this house, with two kids, who don’t allow me to get anything done. The laundry pile is always epic. There are always dirty dishes floating around because everyone else seems to expect that they will walk themselves to the dishwasher and climb on in.

Apologies. I just feel unappreciated. And used. And like I’m a slave.

In a nutshell: Miss4

It’s about time that I introduced you to the little person who turned my life upside down, Miss4, the big sister.

 

As you can probably tell she is 4 years old and started Kinder this year.

 

She is outgoing, friendly to everyone, except old men, particularly those with facial hair (Santa photos were fun last year), headstrong, determined, assertive, intelligent, creative, active and energetic. She is very social and everyone is her best friend. And she’s beautiful, so damn gorgeous! I know, I know, every mother thinks that their children are the most beautiful children in the world, but she is truly gorgeous. I’ve had many people genuinely say that she is gorgeous and a well-educated, well-spoken friend of mine, who doesn’t sugar coat things recently called her ‘stunning’. Anyhow I’ve now convinced you that she is gorgeous, right?

 

Her personality traits are all good qualities – I’m glad that my daughter is confident, energetic etc and I hope that she retains these traits as she gets older. However, when these traits are in a 4 year old and said 4 year old is your daughter, it can be quite challenging.

 

For the past 2 years we have had severe behavioral issues, which we have come to believe stems from a delay with her speech. 2 years ago, her vocabulary was limited to about half a dozen words and most of those words were completely unintelligible to those she didn’t come into contact with. ‘Read to her’ the health nurse said. We did – 3 times a day. It wasn’t a matter of her not understanding – she understood everything, she just couldn’t get the words out. Can you imagine how frustrated she was? Her brain was running at 100kms an hour but she couldn’t communicate. 6 months later, we commenced speech therapy and after 2 terms of therapy she had caught up to date. I can elaborate on the speech therapy sessions and activities. If anyone is interested, just let me know.

 

Behavioural issues aside, she’s a good kid.  She can be oh so sweet at times, and loves to ‘help’ me around the house.  She has always been a good sleeper and eats a good variety of food.  She loves watching movies – her favourites being Star Wars, Despicable Me, Wreck-It-Ralph, Smurfs and Monsters Inc.  She loves playing with her Lego and is a very creative drawer. 

 

Her existence wasn’t planned, that’s no secret to anyone, and despite the grief she causes with her behavioural issues, I’m very glad that she is in my life.

Lately: Depression and my inner darkness

I’ve had so many thoughts and blog ideas run through my head lately, but I’ve just been too busy to post anything… Miss 4 has started Kinder and between that and fitting in Miss6mo’s feeds, I barely have the time to scratch… I’ve been trying to renovate my kitchen… Ah forget it Mum.  Truth be told, I’ve been feeling a little depressed of late and I have periods of time where I withdraw myself from the world.  Lately has been one of those times.

About a month ago, a friend of mine posted a ‘note’ on her Facebook page talking about an inner darkness that she always feels.  I’m sure she wouldn’t want me sharing her inner feelings with the world, but I too have always felt this and can put my feelings out into the world on my blog.  I’ve always felt this feeling as though I don’t belong.  Low self-esteem. Suicidal thoughts. Withdrawing from social events and becoming a hermit.  Feeling as though people are always thinking/talking about me behind my back.  Self-doubt.  If I spoke to a doctor about this, I would no doubt be diagnosed with depression and put on medication with the hope of leading a ‘normal’ life.  But what is normal?  Do not stress, I am not contemplating committing suicide.  There is no way that I could do that to my husband and my little girls – I love them too much to scar them for life.  As the years have gone by, I’ve learned to understand my inner darkness more and more and I think that helps me deal with it.  I am probably more normal that I realise.  Personally, I don’t think I have clinical depression.  I would call it, high functioning depression, or sub-depression.  Professionals may disagree with me, but they haven’t been through the feelings that I have felt through my life so I feel they are in no position to judge or diagnose.  I have had debilitating depression where I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t go to work (and subsequently lost my job).  The constant feeling that I have is not this.  The best way I can describe my moods, or level of depression is like the weather:

Sunshine: Everything is perfect, although I know that my overcast feelings exist and will come back.  The inner darkness is just suppressed.  I imagine this is ‘normal’ for most people.

Overcast: This is what I call my ‘normal’ state.  My high-functioning depression. Low self-esteem. Self doubt. Resentment. Withdrawing.

Stormy: The debilitating depression when I cannot function.  I shut people out, and don’t want to do ANYTHING!  Fortunately these days are few and far between!

Anyhow, my friends post helped me a lot.  It made me understand more about my inner darkness.  That I am not alone.  I reached out to her in the form of a private message and told her that I feel the same.  Other (brave) friends of hers commented on her post saying they felt the same.  I AM NOT ALONE! 🙂

Anyhow, I think my latest foray into my ‘overcast’ state started about a month ago.  I was involved in a private Facebook group for women who were pregnant and due to give birth in July 2013.  It was a great support and we laughed and cried together, following each others pregnancies, births, and our new babies reaching their milestones.  There were about 100 of us but we all became quite close.  As with any large groups, there is always going to be someone who… rubs others up the wrong way.  Or someone with strong opinions who believe that anyone who disagrees with them is wrong.  I think my ideas on parenting are quite mainstream – the most controversial thing I do is a bit of Baby Led Weaning.  There were a few times where someone had posted asking for advice – I offered my opinion only for someone else to shoot me down.  My inner darkness saw this as an opportunity to come out and say hello. So, I withdrew myself from the group and became a wallflower and just watched other conversations.  Once I had stopped doubting my own parenting ability and my confidence (and the sunshine had started to return) had returned I became active again, only for it to happen again.  Once again, I felt as thought my parenting and opinions were being attacked… back to overcast.   A short while later, there was an all-out bitch fight within the group.   It got really ugly.  Name calling etc.  We were supposed to be friends!  And that was it for me.  I had considered leaving the group for a while but had always thought my feelings would change, I would go back to sunshine and I would learn to choose my words carefully so as to not provoke anyone.  So I posted my last post saying farewell and good luck etc and also stressed that people thinking about what they have typed before hitting ‘post’.  People were upset.  One of the admins was begging my to come back.  It was really quite pathetic.  I’ve been out of the group for just over a week now and having that negativity and stress removed from my life has helped the sunshine come back.  Then, 2 days ago, I noticed that my SILs sister had unfriended my on Facebook.  I know it’s silly and I don’t know why but it stings when someone unfriends you.  She lives interstate and I see her maybe once a year, but it was a real slap.  I’ve known her for years, about 20 years.  She went to the school as I and was a year level above me.  She was a bitch face at school but had seemed to mellow and for the sake of family, I was nice and polite and friendly towards.  And she was the same.  She was the one that sent me the friend request in the first place!  Anyhow, being unfriended pushed me back into a an overcast state.  Non-acceptance.  Withdrawing.

Call me weak.  Call me sensitive.  Maybe it’s true.  Maybe I need to learn to deal with my sensitivities more.  I am the first to admit that I am an emotional person.  I don’t know how to learn to deal with it.  Maybe it will come in time as I learn to understanding my sub-depression more.

Thank you WordPress for giving me the platform to put my thoughts out there.  It’s amazing how getting your feelings out in the open can make you feel better and I can feel the sunshine come back already. 🙂

If anyone out there is having depressive/suicidal thoughts, please seek help.  In Australia, you can contact Lifeline, or Beyond blue for help.  Please don’t act on a whim and do something foolish.  It may not feel like it, but there are people in your life who will forever be affected by your actions.  Think about it!

The good old days

Everyone has a period of their life that were ‘the good old days’. Times that they look back on fondly, not knowing that at the time it wasn’t going to end up being the ‘good old days’. For me, it was when I was in my early 20’s. I had just moved out of home, mainly due to my step-father, and rented myself a very cute little one bedroom apartment close to the city. God, I loved that apartment. I paid $140 per week and ended up staying there for almost 2 years. It had timber floors, bright yellow paint, a modern white kitchen with a dark bright blue benchtop. It was so me!

Being the first place I lived in on my own, it was freedom! I could do whatever the hell I wanted. I could let dishes pile up if I wanted. I could watch what I wanted on TV. I didn’t have to fight to use the computer so I could check my emails. I could go for days without anyone talking to me, and when I was on leave from work, I often did. I think that’s why, for me, this period was my ‘good old days’. It was space, the ability to have solidarity, the freedom, new-found freedom.

I had good neighbours, next to me was a guy who came and went. I almost never saw him. I think he worked locally and lived out of town and lived there when he was working. The other side, was a big black guy, David. He was friendly, and looked out for me. He could come across as intimidating, but never was towards me. I felt safe having a big intimidating guy live next door to me. Across the hall was Sarah. She was in her early-mid 30’s, very social and always up for a chat. But most of all they were all quiet and let me keep to myself.

I had a friend who lived further out of the city and we often used to go and hit the town on a Saturday night. She would come over, we’d get a pizza, get ready and head out from my place. I felt like I had begun to ‘make it’. I never had any food in my fridge, just like cool city-dwellers I’d see on tv. But I always had cheese – cheese is essential, a staple. And then I got a new job in the city – a job with my own office – with a window! I’d made it! New friends, a new job, new digs. I didn’t have a steady boyfriend, but there was my Mr Big. It was constantly on/off, but when it was on, wow, IT WAS ON AND IT WAS HOT! I remember he knocked on my door one morning at about 6am on his way to work. I opened the door in my sleepy haze, rather silly of me as it could have been someone with a gun, he grabbed me and pushed back against the open door and kissed me. He carried me off to bed and we had amazing good-morning sex. One of my fondest memories of Herbert St.

… Those were the days… I’d relive this time in a heatbeat.

Maybe being 20kgs lighter had something to do with it, too???

 

 

Gah! My husband pisses me off sometimes!!!

Love him but sometimes he really makes my blood boil. Everyone’s spouse does it from time to time and if you say that your spouse never does, then I call you a liar.

He likes to play poker with his mates. We’re not talking about at the casino, we’re not even talking about money here, but what really gets me is that once a month he buggers off to a mates place to play poker and he’s gone all day. All fucking day!

As a full-time mum/house wife, whilst I may not get weekends off from my job, I really look forward to weekends as it means that I get to have a sleep-in and the parenting duties are halved. When he nicks off for a poker day, my working week turns into a 6 day week. My day starts at 7am, finishes about 9pm, x 6 days = 84 hours a week. 84 hour working week! And it got sprung on me yesterday that tomorrow was poker day. No notice. I had been looking forward to reduced duties all week, particularly after the stinking hot weather we have had and my dreams have been put into the shredder.

Call me selfish, unreasonable, a bitch… I don’t care. I’m not denying him fun or friends. But when do I get a whole day to myself? I’m lucky to get to go to the supermarket by myself. I do the grocery shopping on a weekend and will usually try to sneak out by myself. But DH usually asks me to take at least one of the girls. Maybe I should take this approach with him??? “Sure dear, go and play poker, but you have to take one of the kids.” What do you think my chances of him taking one of the girls? Slim to none???

Carrie Bradshaw

I’ve always loved Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. I watched every episode when it came on TV, now own every episode on DVD, saw the first movie, in Gold Class, the day it was released, own both movies on DVD and have now just finished watching the TV show, The Carrie Diaries, a prequel to SaTC.

Sarah Jessica Parker played Carrie on SaTC. To be honest, I’ve never really liked SJP, I don’t know what it is about her I don’t like, but I just don’t rate her that highly. Even though I watched SaTC every week, and loved Carrie, I’ve just never liked SJP much.

AnnaSophia Robb plays Carrie in The Carrie Diaries. I only know her from Bridge to Terabithia and didn’t think much of that movie and don’t really have an opinion on her. Although upon watching The Carrie Diaries, my opinion of her soared! I think she did an amazing job of portraying Carrie – a character that SJP moulded. ASR picked up on traits and mannerisms and did a sensational job in her acting.

Recently I realised that there were 3 books about Carrie Bradshaw that I hadn’t read. I always knew that there were books, but it never dawned on me to read them. I have recently finished reading Sex and The City (by Candace Bushnell) and I thought it was utter rubbish! I have absolutely no idea how that got turned into a television series. When I started reading it, I felt as though it was spoken by an anonymous bystander… writing about several people and their experiences. However, somewhere in the middle it turned to being all about Carrie and her life and friends. I don’t know where in the book it changed and I won’t be reading it again to find out. It felt like a real chore to read and I really had to force myself to pick it up.

I’m now reading The Carries Diaries and I’m enjoying it much more. Maybe it’s because mentally, I still feel like I’m in my early 20’s, or maybe because it is about Carrie.

Reading is a slow process for me – no I’m not a slow reader, it’s just a time thing. I read at night when I’ve gone to bed, but usually I’m too tired to read more than a chapter or two, or I’ll just pass out as soon as I climb in. A Mum’s life, hey?!?

My addiction: eBay

I keep telling my husband that it’s just a phase, but how long is this phase going to last?

It all started when I started selling the baby clothes that Miss6m has now grown out of. We aren’t having anymore children and don’t need to keep her old clothes, nor do we have the space. “I’ll put them on eBay!” Fantastic! I made $80 in the first week. Chuffed. I put some, ok most, of that money back into eBay – buying clothes that Miss 6 would need. Our 2 little girls were born in opposite seasons, so most of the clothes I had kept from when Miss4 was a baby weren’t suitable. DH agreed that we needed more clothes and I would eventually re-sell them on eBay, so we’d get our money back.

Then as Christmas was approaching I thought I could get some good stuff online. Stocking fillers. I wanted a car charger for our phone. $1 on eBay from China. Bargain! Buy it Now. Well, that was almost 2 months ago, and I keep buying crap. Ok, some crap I need. I got some Christmas presents, some feeding bibs from Miss6m… um… and stuff I didn’t need, but I’m not listing that. And sure I could’ve got this stuff from a shop here in Australia, but it was seriously a lot cheaper than I would’ve paid and I’m prepared to wait 2 weeks for shipping China. DH likes it when I find a way to save money, but a lot of the stuff I’m buying we don’t need anyhow, so not really saving money. I’ve admitted it, and I think he’s realising it, but I can’t stop. It’s so exciting getting mail!

However it’s becoming a cycle. I’ll order a bunch of stuff… 2 weeks later, it starts to arrive in dribs and drabs… then I realise that in a week or two, the parcels will stop arriving… I don’t want it to stop… So I place another half a dozen orders for more crap. At the moment I’m in the ‘waiting for stuff to arrive’ part of the cycle. I ordered it 10 days ago, so it should start to come soon… then I’ll start buying stuff again!

I’ve got a heap of clothes that Miss6m has grown out of that I’m holding off on putting on eBay (it’s mostly winter stuff and being in the middle of summer, I feel that if I wait a month or two the chances of it selling, for a higher price, will increase). Then a whole other cycle begins… I sell stuff… I’ve got money in my PayPal account… must spend it. Even thought the money in my PayPal account is real money, it doesn’t feel like it, so I just spend it. DH doesn’t mind so much when I’m spending money from my PayPal account. It’s when I buy stuff and the money comes out of his bank account (because my PayPal account has been sucked dry) that he gets pissed off.

I satisfied my eBay urge today buy buying a new coaxial cable for our tv. The one we had was crap and sometimes the image would become pixelated. Well, yesterday my ABC channels stopped working! I have a 4 year old. I need channel 22! I could go out and buy one but that would mean dragging the kids along with me. Cbf. I sms’d the below to DH before ordering seeking his approval. Order approved by the CFO. Urge satisfied and it wasn’t useless crap. I’ve had my eBay hit. Lame, I know, but I’m a housewife… I have no money. And I get bored. And I LOVE getting parcels in mail!