I’ve had so many thoughts and blog ideas run through my head lately, but
I’ve just been too busy to post anything… Miss 4 has started Kinder and between that and fitting in Miss6mo’s feeds, I barely have the time to scratch… I’ve been trying to renovate my kitchen… Ah forget it Mum. Truth be told, I’ve been feeling a little depressed of late and I have periods of time where I withdraw myself from the world. Lately has been one of those times.
About a month ago, a friend of mine posted a ‘note’ on her Facebook page talking about an inner darkness that she always feels. I’m sure she wouldn’t want me sharing her inner feelings with the world, but I too have always felt this and can put my feelings out into the world on my blog. I’ve always felt this feeling as though I don’t belong. Low self-esteem. Suicidal thoughts. Withdrawing from social events and becoming a hermit. Feeling as though people are always thinking/talking about me behind my back. Self-doubt. If I spoke to a doctor about this, I would no doubt be diagnosed with depression and put on medication with the hope of leading a ‘normal’ life. But what is normal? Do not stress, I am not contemplating committing suicide. There is no way that I could do that to my husband and my little girls – I love them too much to scar them for life. As the years have gone by, I’ve learned to understand my inner darkness more and more and I think that helps me deal with it. I am probably more normal that I realise. Personally, I don’t think I have clinical depression. I would call it, high functioning depression, or sub-depression. Professionals may disagree with me, but they haven’t been through the feelings that I have felt through my life so I feel they are in no position to judge or diagnose. I have had debilitating depression where I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t go to work (and subsequently lost my job). The constant feeling that I have is not this. The best way I can describe my moods, or level of depression is like the weather:
Sunshine: Everything is perfect, although I know that my overcast feelings exist and will come back. The inner darkness is just suppressed. I imagine this is ‘normal’ for most people.
Overcast: This is what I call my ‘normal’ state. My high-functioning depression. Low self-esteem. Self doubt. Resentment. Withdrawing.
Stormy: The debilitating depression when I cannot function. I shut people out, and don’t want to do ANYTHING! Fortunately these days are few and far between!
Anyhow, my friends post helped me a lot. It made me understand more about my inner darkness. That I am not alone. I reached out to her in the form of a private message and told her that I feel the same. Other (brave) friends of hers commented on her post saying they felt the same. I AM NOT ALONE! 🙂
Anyhow, I think my latest foray into my ‘overcast’ state started about a month ago. I was involved in a private Facebook group for women who were pregnant and due to give birth in July 2013. It was a great support and we laughed and cried together, following each others pregnancies, births, and our new babies reaching their milestones. There were about 100 of us but we all became quite close. As with any large groups, there is always going to be someone who… rubs others up the wrong way. Or someone with strong opinions who believe that anyone who disagrees with them is wrong. I think my ideas on parenting are quite mainstream – the most controversial thing I do is a bit of Baby Led Weaning. There were a few times where someone had posted asking for advice – I offered my opinion only for someone else to shoot me down. My inner darkness saw this as an opportunity to come out and say hello. So, I withdrew myself from the group and became a wallflower and just watched other conversations. Once I had stopped doubting my own parenting ability and my confidence (and the sunshine had started to return) had returned I became active again, only for it to happen again. Once again, I felt as thought my parenting and opinions were being attacked… back to overcast. A short while later, there was an all-out bitch fight within the group. It got really ugly. Name calling etc. We were supposed to be friends! And that was it for me. I had considered leaving the group for a while but had always thought my feelings would change, I would go back to sunshine and I would learn to choose my words carefully so as to not provoke anyone. So I posted my last post saying farewell and good luck etc and also stressed that people thinking about what they have typed before hitting ‘post’. People were upset. One of the admins was begging my to come back. It was really quite pathetic. I’ve been out of the group for just over a week now and having that negativity and stress removed from my life has helped the sunshine come back. Then, 2 days ago, I noticed that my SILs sister had unfriended my on Facebook. I know it’s silly and I don’t know why but it stings when someone unfriends you. She lives interstate and I see her maybe once a year, but it was a real slap. I’ve known her for years, about 20 years. She went to the school as I and was a year level above me. She was a bitch face at school but had seemed to mellow and for the sake of family, I was nice and polite and friendly towards. And she was the same. She was the one that sent me the friend request in the first place! Anyhow, being unfriended pushed me back into a an overcast state. Non-acceptance. Withdrawing.
Call me weak. Call me sensitive. Maybe it’s true. Maybe I need to learn to deal with my sensitivities more. I am the first to admit that I am an emotional person. I don’t know how to learn to deal with it. Maybe it will come in time as I learn to understanding my sub-depression more.
Thank you WordPress for giving me the platform to put my thoughts out there. It’s amazing how getting your feelings out in the open can make you feel better and I can feel the sunshine come back already. 🙂
If anyone out there is having depressive/suicidal thoughts, please seek help. In Australia, you can contact Lifeline, or Beyond blue for help. Please don’t act on a whim and do something foolish. It may not feel like it, but there are people in your life who will forever be affected by your actions. Think about it!